I knew as soon as I woke up this morning that it was going to be a rough day. 7:45am comes and my alarm is going off....I didn't even attempt a snooze I just hit off. The next thing I know it's 9am and I am slowly pulling myself out of bed.
While I made it down stairs and made myself oatmeal I was still feeling...tired. Tired of tracking my food, of hitting the gym and feeling better. So I cheated and hit the scale I had a gain of .04 so that's not even a pound but that damn + sign was enough to throw me off all day.
I still managed to do just a couple exercises at home, and hit up saladworks with my grandmother for lunch. Come dinner I was just so tired, I feel like I could just break down. Pasta and bread, so yummy.
But then I came home to bills, bills I can't pay. My cell phone, my car insurance, the water bill, food. I can't make it and I am so over trying to find a job. I just lost it...one pack of Little Bits fudge brownies, left over Mac and Cheese from last night dinner, and a big old COLD diet coke...I feel just worse.
This being "thin" thing is just a lot harder and I just want to throw in the towel....
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Bathing Suit War
I struggled to pull on and stretch a bathing suit I fit into last summer....oh dear lord. I was pouring out of all the wrong places and it made my rolls have rolls. I could not breathe or even move in this evil torture device.
After ripping my way out, and playing with the idea of just cutting myself out, I hung it up on my wall. There, a solid reminder of the way I USE to be and how I want to be again. But for some reason not even that could hold me back from scarfing down a quarter pounder with cheese and fries for dinner.
So here I sit, staring at that bathing suit, wanting to make it feel the pain it has put me thru. Can I make my bathing suit fat? Or maybe I'll just attack with a pair of scissors until there is nothing left but the shreds that are equal to my will power right now....
After ripping my way out, and playing with the idea of just cutting myself out, I hung it up on my wall. There, a solid reminder of the way I USE to be and how I want to be again. But for some reason not even that could hold me back from scarfing down a quarter pounder with cheese and fries for dinner.
So here I sit, staring at that bathing suit, wanting to make it feel the pain it has put me thru. Can I make my bathing suit fat? Or maybe I'll just attack with a pair of scissors until there is nothing left but the shreds that are equal to my will power right now....
Sunday, April 26, 2009
It would be easier....
if there weren't a Mcdonalds, Wendys, KFC, Taco Bell, Burger King all with in a 2 mile radius of my house....
While I managed to share a cheese steak with a friend today, we also made a stop at the mall. And as she pulled her size 7 shorts (a size I haven't seen since middle school) I felt that cheese steak instantly double and fill my stomach.
And with this hot weather, I can't go walking around in jeans and long sleeves...I actually have to wear shorts and skirts and dresses. All things I have happily been able to avoid his winter.... Maybe I'll move to somewhere where is it is always cold, then I'll never have to fight with a pair of shorts again....
While I managed to share a cheese steak with a friend today, we also made a stop at the mall. And as she pulled her size 7 shorts (a size I haven't seen since middle school) I felt that cheese steak instantly double and fill my stomach.
And with this hot weather, I can't go walking around in jeans and long sleeves...I actually have to wear shorts and skirts and dresses. All things I have happily been able to avoid his winter.... Maybe I'll move to somewhere where is it is always cold, then I'll never have to fight with a pair of shorts again....
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I'm daiting again!
So soon, I know! But this time I think it may be the real thing...his name Measuring Cup! Oh we are so cute when we are together!
I was introduced to him by a friend who swore up and down by him. They had since parted ways but she figured that he could help me out with my lovely figure :) So I woke up this morning and we had our first date...breakfast. 3/4 cup of cereal with 1/2 cup of 2% milk (along with some turkey sausage). He was pretty easy and I don't know why I had not tried him out before. He came in handy again at lunch time while making fruit salad and we have dinner plans!
So today was not a bad day! I have managed to stay in my calorie range and have started up at www.sparkpeople.com who has customized a fitness plan ( for free! ) for me to follow. I have plans to meet Mr. Gym tonight as well. (I sound like such a whore, but I swear me and Mr. Gym's relationship is strictly platonic.... for now)
I do have some sad news...me and Scale are now divorced and have come to the agreement that we will only see each other once a month...he had been stopping by everyday or once a week and I am too emotional to handle that right now!
I was introduced to him by a friend who swore up and down by him. They had since parted ways but she figured that he could help me out with my lovely figure :) So I woke up this morning and we had our first date...breakfast. 3/4 cup of cereal with 1/2 cup of 2% milk (along with some turkey sausage). He was pretty easy and I don't know why I had not tried him out before. He came in handy again at lunch time while making fruit salad and we have dinner plans!
So today was not a bad day! I have managed to stay in my calorie range and have started up at www.sparkpeople.com who has customized a fitness plan ( for free! ) for me to follow. I have plans to meet Mr. Gym tonight as well. (I sound like such a whore, but I swear me and Mr. Gym's relationship is strictly platonic.... for now)
I do have some sad news...me and Scale are now divorced and have come to the agreement that we will only see each other once a month...he had been stopping by everyday or once a week and I am too emotional to handle that right now!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
My own personal hell
The grocery store. It's where I can do my most damage or like today actually walk out of there feeling good about myself.
To start off I live with 3 boys who are meat and potatoes kind of guys. They don't like anything low fat, low sodium, soy or fat free. They can snack on chips, cookies and ice cream all day without gaining one pound. My brother plays baseball like it's his religion and both my father and boyfriend work some what physically demanding jobs. I understand, but still really why don't you three ever gain weight!? I on the other hand have been unemployed for almost a year and spend most of my days cleaning the house, doing laundry and running errands. Even if I run my butt off that day, I still have to watch what I eat.
Since I am home I am also in charge of doing the food shopping, which for a family of 4 can be tiring at some points. I recently started clipping coupons but have found that there are NO coupons for healthier food. I also struggle with our health food section which is about as big as my bathroom. But I was on a hunt today, taking my time. I first accomplished every thing for the boys and then started my own shopping list.
Soy milk (chocolate)
Turkey burgers
Turkey sausage
Whole Wheat Bread
Kashi Go Lean Cereal
Oranges
Cucumbers
Bananas
So I am slowly stocking the house with healthier things, and while it seems like a pain I will start to make my own meals for dinner. I will continue to make something for them, and will probably only switch out my protein. Breakfast and lunch are not a problem since I'm home by myself, unless it's the weekend...which is another problem for another post :D
To start off I live with 3 boys who are meat and potatoes kind of guys. They don't like anything low fat, low sodium, soy or fat free. They can snack on chips, cookies and ice cream all day without gaining one pound. My brother plays baseball like it's his religion and both my father and boyfriend work some what physically demanding jobs. I understand, but still really why don't you three ever gain weight!? I on the other hand have been unemployed for almost a year and spend most of my days cleaning the house, doing laundry and running errands. Even if I run my butt off that day, I still have to watch what I eat.
Since I am home I am also in charge of doing the food shopping, which for a family of 4 can be tiring at some points. I recently started clipping coupons but have found that there are NO coupons for healthier food. I also struggle with our health food section which is about as big as my bathroom. But I was on a hunt today, taking my time. I first accomplished every thing for the boys and then started my own shopping list.
Soy milk (chocolate)
Turkey burgers
Turkey sausage
Whole Wheat Bread
Kashi Go Lean Cereal
Oranges
Cucumbers
Bananas
So I am slowly stocking the house with healthier things, and while it seems like a pain I will start to make my own meals for dinner. I will continue to make something for them, and will probably only switch out my protein. Breakfast and lunch are not a problem since I'm home by myself, unless it's the weekend...which is another problem for another post :D
Monday, April 20, 2009
My Break Up Letter
Dear Fat,
Oh how many years we have had together, and they have all been amazing. I will never forget you, but it is time to move on. I have met others, exercise and healthy eating. They are giving me things that I could never get from you. You were always there to warm me and along with food, you made me complete. A complete fatty! When did you turn on me? Where did our love go so wrong? I didn't realize that things had gotten so bad, but today is the end. Fat...I am moving on and so will you! Please don't visit me or try and come back into my life. I am moving on for good this time!
Your Friend
Amy
Yep I am fat. There I said it, I admit it. Actually according to my BMI I am obese with my current height 5'4 and weight 168lbs. So today after trying to find pants to wear out for dinner, pants that fit me only a year ago, I have to break up with my fat. It's not going to be easy or pretty, but hopefully it will be some what amusing, kind of fun, and inspiring. So come follow me as you watch my emotional break up with Fat.
Oh how many years we have had together, and they have all been amazing. I will never forget you, but it is time to move on. I have met others, exercise and healthy eating. They are giving me things that I could never get from you. You were always there to warm me and along with food, you made me complete. A complete fatty! When did you turn on me? Where did our love go so wrong? I didn't realize that things had gotten so bad, but today is the end. Fat...I am moving on and so will you! Please don't visit me or try and come back into my life. I am moving on for good this time!
Your Friend
Amy
Yep I am fat. There I said it, I admit it. Actually according to my BMI I am obese with my current height 5'4 and weight 168lbs. So today after trying to find pants to wear out for dinner, pants that fit me only a year ago, I have to break up with my fat. It's not going to be easy or pretty, but hopefully it will be some what amusing, kind of fun, and inspiring. So come follow me as you watch my emotional break up with Fat.
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